I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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