I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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