Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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