i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
