I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Randomize
