He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
