When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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