Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
