So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
