I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
