At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
where am i from again
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
