it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
