peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
