Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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