I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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