I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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