I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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