Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
