WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to make a zoo with you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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