I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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