Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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