Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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