the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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