There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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