Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
