hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
