just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
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