Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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