Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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