I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
