I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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