oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
