I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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