I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
