Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
