Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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