someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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