woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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