does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
