Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
