My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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