weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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