and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
