maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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