haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
