i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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