I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
