It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
