youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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