Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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