This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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