i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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