God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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