do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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