This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
