Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
