I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
