and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
