everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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