I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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