I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
