so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
